when you stop thinking about yourself all the time, a certain sense of repose overtakes you

leonard cohen

you know how sometimes the saying aloud of a thing can make it feel more true and real? there are many notions i don’t bother voicing, not even in the privacy of my own head, purely because to do so seems like stating the bleeding obvious. other concepts i avoid putting into words because i don’t want to acknowledge that they exist.

in conversation with a friend recently, i said “all day, every day, year after year, i can’t do what i want, in the way i want to”. which, while a perfect example of stating the obvious, is also one of those thoughts i usually endeavour to sidestep; it is such a big deal that i don’t know how to take it on board. i have inhabited a state of compromise so profound, for so long, that much of the time i don’t even know it is there.

there is a fine line between acceptance and resignation, and this line can get quite blurry at times.

which brings me back to the problem of holding on to a sense of self.

especially in this self-seeking, lopsided, wrongheaded, “because you’re worth it” culture of ours.

where patience is not a virtue.

where there is so little emphasis on living the best way we can by opening our hearts and caring for our environment and one another, and so much on individual fulfillment.

where working at being our most present, honest, humble selves has been overtaken by aspiring to own the biggest house and the fastest car; by dumbing down, built-in obsolescence, and instant gratification.

where community has been largely replaced by this i’m all right jack, batten down the hatches, each for him or herself and their own nuclear family, and sod the rest, attitude.

a life not so much lived as advertised

and such deep dissatisfaction, such heartless alienation, around every corner.

if life is not a dress rehearsal, why do we need so many clothes and so much makeup?